So my last post extolled how wonderfully my lastest project was going. That remains true. In fairness, swimmingly is a relative concept. For what I perceive as going swimmingly, others might consider a nightmare.
Really this all comes down to the fact that I need to title my next book*, “The Anal Artist.” I can’t seem to let anything go that I don’t consider perfect. A smudge of glue, a smear of paint–all must be fixed.
My latest project is a perfect example. I am making an Altered Trading Block (ATB) and it features a quote from Jane Austen’s Emma. Rather than searching the book to find the exact quote, I googled it.
It’s on the internet so it must be right
Did you know dumb asses are allowed to put things on the internet? Did you know that no one makes sure quotations are correct? Did you know that the person who posted the Austen quotation on the internet spelled the dashing hero’s name wrong? Either did I…until my project was almost done…
A sane person would probably leave it. I mean really, how many people know that Mr. Knightley is not Mr. Knightly? But dearest Gentle Reader, do you know me so little that you think I could just leave it? If that is the case, dear sweet kind Gentle Reader, let me bitch slap you along side the head, because clearly you are not thinking straight.
Nooooo. I do not just leave it. Instead, I carefully remove more pages from Emma. Apply a whitewash of gesso. Wait for it to dry. Carefully align the pages on a full 8.5 x 11 piece of paper. Diligently place masking tape across my pants and shirt to remove extra stickiness. Adhere the pages to the paper. Place it in the printer. Run back upstairs to print the quote. Race back down the stairs. Trip over both The Daughter™ sprawled on the floor of the office practicing her splits and The Husband™ who always sits is with his motherf######! office chair pushed out to Uranus**. Get to the printer too late. Discover that the masking tape has jammed. Refeed the paper. Discover that the jam caused the inkjet letters to smear. Go back up to the studio and repeat the whole process.
Success! Sweating profusely and favoring my now twisted ankle, I pat my always-perfectly-coiffed hair in place, glare at my husband and bring my lovely printed page back to the studio.
Carefully I Mod Podge the new paper in place to adhere it over the top of the incorrect typo. Shit. Where did all these wrinkles come from? I try the brayer. No luck. I try carefully peel the page back up and replace. No luck. I let it sit overnight, hoping that the wrinkles will magically disappear when it dries. No luck. Not only are the wrinkles still there, now they are rigidly dried in place.
The wrinkles don’t look that bad. Wait, yes they do.
They really don’t look that bad. In fact, no one else would probably noticed them. Do you believe me? Apparently you need another bitch slap.
I proceed to use my Xacto knife to carefully peel both layers of the quotation off. Of course, the base layer also gets damaged, so I end up having to remove it as well. I measure and cut a new base layer and adhere it. Then I carefully remove more pages from Emma. Apply a whitewash of gesso. Wait for it to dry. Align the pages on a 8.5 x 11 piece of paper. Dilligently place masking tape across my pants and shirt to remove extra stickiness, adhere the pages to the paper. Run down to the place the paper in the printer. The office is empty, it should be safe. Except The Husband™ left the office chair in the middle of the walkway when he last got up from it. I get to the printer to late and discover that the masking tape has jammed. Refeed the paper. See how swimmingly this is going?
As I wait for the Mod Podge to again dry, I am getting today’s post written. Everything is smooth sailing now. I look over at the project, pleased with myself for taking the time to do it right. Being anal isn’t so bad. Except…
What is the right expression here? My jaw hits the floor? My heart drops into my stomach? I have a sudden uncontrollable urge to run screaming into the street banishing my paper cutter? Yep, the last one. You see, I attached the damn quote upside down. I kid you not. I have to begin over again.
*I have not really written any books. However, I have started buttloads of them. My cloud is filled with the next great American Novel.In fact, at least 20 of them.
**Notice all the witty butt puns? No? Well, look again. Hindsight is easy.